Complex Trauma Part 1

My ex told me he wanted a ten year break, threw me and my clothes out and left me with nothing. I rented this camper for 600/month As it got colder, I worked double to move into a basement suite.

I was a pro at repressing and suppressing feelings. I remember thinking that meant I was strong

Having nothing and getting dumped meant I was finally free. I had tried many times to leave,

I kept going back because he made life very difficult.

I did not think freedom was possible. He threatened to drive through a house I was in, sent hundreds

of text messages and threats, spread rumours, lies, break or hide my stuff and I never had

the money. I thought he was nuts, I did not know he was abusing me but what a relief to be

kicked out.

All I could think about was getting to New Brunswick to see my children whom had been

alienated from me.

Canadian Winter are cold, good thing for warm fires.

Air mattress to start.

I loved decorating but soon decorating became an Obsessive Compulsion.

I decided to start an online business in order to make money to get to New Brunswick, the small town my children live is completely French. An online business would have meant I never had to leave my children in order to come back to Alberta for work.

I started selling pre decorated Christmas trees. I found quite a few

I attempted to sell Avon.

I was working selling Digital Signage spaces.

Hurt does and does not cause hurt.

We are one?

Before coming to the realization that I am separate from my mom, everyone around me would have appeared to me as “us”

Maybe I could read their thoughts with telepathy or feel their feelings with empathy. Even if I could not, I would have assumed we all thought and felt the same. If I was happy than I would believe everyone was happy and I would have kept thinking that way if I did not see that I was separate.

Would it have been awful believing we were all connected on a conscious level and we all wanted the same thing to feel better?

What if I when I came to the realization I am separate from my mom felt alone and frantically searched for that connection never finding it again. Would I forever feel different and disconnected from everyone my whole life?

The search for belonging is a long road that may never have a happy ending much like the search for answers. I started healing 2 years ago, because growing up I thought everyone was a good person and I did everything I could to be good that is until I met someone who feels nothing for anyone and wants to be bad. I did not accept this in him as he displayed himself I ignored the bad things he was doing and only scene good. Our beliefs can be scary, we can believe in something so strongly and never ask ourselves, Am I sure the opposite of my belief is not true as well.

When I awakened I found out not everyone has Empathy, and found out that not everyone is good, however what is good and what is bad? Do these words exist in the Universe?

The Universe does not send evil babies and the people whom hurt others are so ego minded they appear to be exempt. I tried to be good, it was a responsibility I thought everyone had and yet I ended up so hurt by a few people.

I used to believe hurt caused hurt, I excused people for hurting me because they were hurt. I know anger is a cover emotion for fear and hurt. I scene them as the victims when it was not them. I just did not want to see that I was a victim because if I did it would mean feeling rejection and self pity. I no longer think hurt does or does not cause hurt. We make choices no matter what has happened based on our integrity.

I will no longer go out of my way to help someone, as that is what lead to losing everything. I will never purposely go out of my way to hurt anyone either. Stop making excuses for these types of people and accept they hurt you effortlessly. If someone does not feel bad for hurting you, you simply can not make them and in trying will likely get hurt over and over.

I often ask my fragmented self “Who do I think I am? The greatest Historians, Philosophers, Prodigies whom have ever lived could not figure out the answers I am seeking” It is a great way to get off the hook and not have to continue to search for meaning.

Before searching for answers and meaning accept fully what it is you hope to achieve this journey has taken me away from living any sort of life. Extreme learners never play and vice versa.

I guess the best thing would be to make a plan and then burn it, because one thing I have learnt, we can not control everything that happens and Shit happens lol. It really does Shit happens.

Ego