The Dance/ The Codependent & The Narcissist

The Narcissist

Childhood Abandonment and Neglect very different Imagine a 5 yr old child (a boy) whom at first cleans the house, does the dishes, hoping someone would notice. No one does,as an infant mom was exhausted, her baby was fed but often times he had to wait. As a toddler he was quiet parents always busy, the boy is seeking validation, acknowledgement and to know he matters.

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This boy doesn’t learn what love is. He doesn’t know his feelings matter, he is often neglected, no one notices when he is good or bad. He has no one to talk to. He believes the world is a cold place. He feels if his feelings do not matter to anyone, they don’t matter. He shames feelings and he believes that other people all think that way too. He doesnt take ownership of his veelings because now he thinks he doesnt matter. The only way to survive is to create a false self. The false self doesnt feel sad or weak the false self blames people for any feelings and doesnt learn empathy. THE The false self forgets old self but even though we forget the feelings still remain. he boy was not validated now represses and supresses helping. He blieves love is the feeling of pain, hurt and anger, people are selfish and all others think the same. He learns ways to get attention through manipulation, he doesn’t care if it’s bad or good just someone to notice him. Valid means matter, to validate is to listen. Behavior is feeling, thought and action. When you discipline behavior you discipline the feeling. What about no discipline? Imagine growing up doing something that could have hurt you, nobody cares, doing something bad, nobody cares.

Going into teenage years the child seeking validation starts to believe what he feels does not matter, but he still feels and he does not know how to get rid of his feelings, especially anger. Anger is a cover emotion for fear and hurt.

When you discipline a toddler who hit his friend that toddler response was that of anger. An angry responsive parent is no better. We have a teen who is a high risk now and cannot handle his anger. Risk of drug addiction, crime, and more. We have a teen looking to regain his power that was taken. Does this teen go from a child who hit his friend to one that stabs him? It has.

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Going into adulthood this teen has been punished over and over he is aware the world thinks he is bad, but he thinks the same as the world. The world has been, cold, dismissive and harsh he turns against the world. Hurt is a contagion An infectious disease. Hurt people hurt People.

What about Codependency?

Picture a girl, she was born to emotionally unavailable, young parents mom is abusive. When the daughter shows any sign of independence or expresses her feelings she is slapped, hit and more. Dad is never home. Let’s say mom feels bad tells the girl she loves her. She does not understand, she just knows if I am good, then it means I matter. She becomes a people pleaser, unlike the narcissistic person she later marries, he denies anger because that meant she was bad. a child who believes her feelings are bad thinks she is bad, she doesn’t know how to say no.

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Going into teen years, she can not say no to sex, drugs and follows others. She does as she is told because she too seeks validation. She needs to be needed to feel she matters. With a low self-esteem, she does what she is told. She leaves her teen years experiences sexual abuse and drug addiction.

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Narcissist- Child of Neglect, Angry and Needy

Codependent Child of Abandonment, Denial and needs to be needed.

The Dance.

She is the abandoned child holding on to him for dear life. She hopes one day she will matter to him. He is the Neglected child pushing her away to see if he keeps pushing maybe she won’t go and one day he will matter to her. They grow up with avoidant and anxious attachment style parenting.

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To them love is hurt from the start. To each other the other holds Validation. Based on The Laws of Attraction, She feels like she is nothing found a man who feels the same and so did he. She may say she loves him but the love they feel is Need it is the attachment and the attachment is strong. If they separate, they may both grow and possibly become healthy adults but never will they feel attachment a love that hurts but feels like home.

This is the most painful, sad love, a couple can face. Years go by, drug addiction, crime, sexual abuse.

If you come from a healthy loving home. Don’t take it for granted, because unlike these 2 personality types who grew up in homes where their feelings did not matter. You may think the world has bad people but I don’t believe in evil babies and babies had to learn from someone. You may believe people need to take responsibilty, have you ever learned something you did not even know you could. It takes awareness and there is far too much judgment, critical and greedy people in the world. It will take someone special someone who knows how to listen with empathy thus validates.

Author:

Amanda Ouellet