Anger is a cover emotion for fear and hurt. When our feelings are hurt or when we are afraid we become angry, this anger can turn into resent if what we are hurt by still poses a threat. If we choose to deny our anger and people-please or self-sacrifice it will occur because we are afraid.
Imagine disciplining a 2-year-old, who hit his friend. If we discipline the behavior, we discipline feeling, thought and action. We do not stop to see the child’s feeling or thought that led him to his action. The child will then take that hurt and deny his or her feelings and thus begin a lifetime of people-pleasing in order to feel like he or she is good and good means they matter. Do good means someone matters? No but children do not understand because they feel if their feelings are bad they are bad or if their feelings do not matter they do not matter. Therefor by not taking time to see why and what lead to the child hitting the friend we go into teen and adult life, with a false sense of self only to later become hurt. What happens when a child becomes angry and continues to feel angry rather than denial. That depends every situation is different. The child who denies anger, usually feels they are bad and wants to be good. The child whom does not deny but grows up angry or negative usually feel if my feelings do not matter to anyone they have to matter to me. The angry child view every one believes the same as he or she so believes its a dog eat dog world and people are selfish and therefore others feelings do not matter to that child. The child who goes into teenage years angry will be defiant and not care about the rules. He or she will seem like they crave attention good or bad. The reality is hurt causes them to hurt others throughout life. It may be in mild to severe abusive ways. They do not develop empathy and therefore are slightly narcissistic. Not only do they grow up feeling like their feelings do not matter they feel others feelings do not matter.
The child who grows up in denial of his or her anger because they were taught anger was wrong will want to be seen as good, so they grow up developing empathy possibly too much. They become people pleasers and self-sacrificers. Others see them as needy or fake. The reality is they are not fake, this is what happens in result from growing up feeling like you are bad or feeling like you only matter because of your good heart.
Hurt is an infection because it keeps spreading all over.
What do people do when their feelings are hurt? They either stuff the hurt, further hurting herself, hurt the person back or hurt others could be unconscious.
What happens when feelings are disciplined? You grow up feeling ashamed of your feelings however they may be. Some people evern feel ashamed to feel happy. Happiness causes them to feel guilt. Some people grow up to become successful but feel their success is the only reason they matter. If they lost all their money, they would literally feel like they are nothing.
Many who grow up believing their feelings do not matter or are bad usually try to hide all of their feelings as this is impossible they find ways in the form of addiction offers escape. It is not only the child who grew up angry that seems to crave attention it is also the child in denial aka the good boy or good girl. It is not actually attention that either person are really after though. It is Validation.
Valid means matter and to validate someone is to let him or her know their feelings matter. This happens when we listen with empathy. When we trust children to choose thier feelings they learn how to trust anger and not let anger take control. It is okay to feel angry, we come into this world being able to think and feel. When we dicipline behavior (feeling, thought and action) we are trying to change the child’s feeling rather then just listen. I am not saying actions should go without consequence, I am suggesting only the actions need the discipline.
When we seek validation, we dont want someone to fix, reward. compliment or help us we want to express how we feel without some one trying to change, blame, shame, excuse, deny etc our feelings.
We only ask for someone to listen to the way we feel because it allows us to find out it has always been our right to choose how we feel. Our feelings do not need to impress or change for anyone. When we are validated we know how to overcome the hurt, because we learn how to think and feel until we feel better. We practise over and over by accepting our feelings, not abandoning them and feelings become more natural rather then taboo. We know that others feelings matter also, we develop empathy and care though knowing what its like to be in someone elses shoes or understanding the importance of knowing. When we know our feelings matter, we learn others feelings matter. We lose words that judge feelings like right, wrong, good, bad, positive and negative. We learn feelings do not need to be judge or labeled it becomes ok to feel angry or okay to not be okay.
We end up having a much easier time parenting because we stop trying to change the way pur children feel and start validating their feelings. Teenagers become easier to parent when we stop trying to control or change their feelings. Validation eases the hurt and even if you dissagree, I know that you agree the world needs less hurt.
I know this seems like a lot of blame on parents however, it is or was impossible to teach something you dont know yourself. If you dont know then its not your fault. Forgiveness is the key to our future. The new Digital Era is here, there may be 3 right answers to every question, this is the time for us to stop all judgement and criticism and allow open-minds and validation. The emotional dark ages are ending.