Complex Trauma Part 1

My ex told me he wanted a ten year break, threw me and my clothes out and left me with nothing. I rented this camper for 600/month As it got colder, I worked double to move into a basement suite.

I was a pro at repressing and suppressing feelings. I remember thinking that meant I was strong

Having nothing and getting dumped meant I was finally free. I had tried many times to leave,

I kept going back because he made life very difficult.

I did not think freedom was possible. He threatened to drive through a house I was in, sent hundreds

of text messages and threats, spread rumours, lies, break or hide my stuff and I never had

the money. I thought he was nuts, I did not know he was abusing me but what a relief to be

kicked out.

All I could think about was getting to New Brunswick to see my children whom had been

alienated from me.

Canadian Winter are cold, good thing for warm fires.

Air mattress to start.

I loved decorating but soon decorating became an Obsessive Compulsion.

I decided to start an online business in order to make money to get to New Brunswick, the small town my children live is completely French. An online business would have meant I never had to leave my children in order to come back to Alberta for work.

I started selling pre decorated Christmas trees. I found quite a few

I attempted to sell Avon.

I was working selling Digital Signage spaces.

Hurt does and does not cause hurt.

We are one?

Before coming to the realization that I am separate from my mom, everyone around me would have appeared to me as “us”

Maybe I could read their thoughts with telepathy or feel their feelings with empathy. Even if I could not, I would have assumed we all thought and felt the same. If I was happy than I would believe everyone was happy and I would have kept thinking that way if I did not see that I was separate.

Would it have been awful believing we were all connected on a conscious level and we all wanted the same thing to feel better?

What if I when I came to the realization I am separate from my mom felt alone and frantically searched for that connection never finding it again. Would I forever feel different and disconnected from everyone my whole life?

The search for belonging is a long road that may never have a happy ending much like the search for answers. I started healing 2 years ago, because growing up I thought everyone was a good person and I did everything I could to be good that is until I met someone who feels nothing for anyone and wants to be bad. I did not accept this in him as he displayed himself I ignored the bad things he was doing and only scene good. Our beliefs can be scary, we can believe in something so strongly and never ask ourselves, Am I sure the opposite of my belief is not true as well.

When I awakened I found out not everyone has Empathy, and found out that not everyone is good, however what is good and what is bad? Do these words exist in the Universe?

The Universe does not send evil babies and the people whom hurt others are so ego minded they appear to be exempt. I tried to be good, it was a responsibility I thought everyone had and yet I ended up so hurt by a few people.

I used to believe hurt caused hurt, I excused people for hurting me because they were hurt. I know anger is a cover emotion for fear and hurt. I scene them as the victims when it was not them. I just did not want to see that I was a victim because if I did it would mean feeling rejection and self pity. I no longer think hurt does or does not cause hurt. We make choices no matter what has happened based on our integrity.

I will no longer go out of my way to help someone, as that is what lead to losing everything. I will never purposely go out of my way to hurt anyone either. Stop making excuses for these types of people and accept they hurt you effortlessly. If someone does not feel bad for hurting you, you simply can not make them and in trying will likely get hurt over and over.

I often ask my fragmented self “Who do I think I am? The greatest Historians, Philosophers, Prodigies whom have ever lived could not figure out the answers I am seeking” It is a great way to get off the hook and not have to continue to search for meaning.

Before searching for answers and meaning accept fully what it is you hope to achieve this journey has taken me away from living any sort of life. Extreme learners never play and vice versa.

I guess the best thing would be to make a plan and then burn it, because one thing I have learnt, we can not control everything that happens and Shit happens lol. It really does Shit happens.

Symptoms of Narcissist, Sociopath or Psychopathy Abuse.

Here are some effects that last for a while however a person may not have them all and how long is subjective to each person and their experience.

• believing you don’t create your own reality, (I think is the worst one)

• Isolation

• Paranoia

• Mistrust others

• Obsession thinking about what the stalker is doing

• Giving up on day to day life

• Having no one believe you

• Lose friends

• Irritable

• Highly Sensitive

• Develop several fears

• Build walls to stay safe

• Close off from others

• Begin to question the purpose of life which causes fragmentation

• Trauma

• Anger, helplessness, hopelessness, despair, depression and anxiety.

Why We Should Not Control our Emotions.

By trying to control our feelings we create agony within. Whatever we resist persists. Our memories fade or are forgotten however our feelings stay. When we try to abandon our feelings, we get stuck. The same situations, experiences & relationships, and repeating. We keep producing the same feelings we try to escape until we feel and accept the feeling.

I am not suggesting people become negative, I am suggesting get rid of labelling feelings as negative, positive, right, wrong, good or bad. We can’t prove the real meanings of those judgement words anyway. Etymology is the study of the root origin of words and one would be surprised to find we are misusing many words. There is no measuring tool for feelings, therefore, you can make anger a positive tool.

Repressed anger is never healthy, learning how to feel anger in a healthy way leads to emotional maturity.

A trick I have learnt is to ask myself “What am I so afraid of?” when anger starts because anger is a cover emotion for fear and hurt.

Energy in motion is Emotion a person has the least amount of energy when they are depressed.

 Deep repressed emotion or Deep Pressure on = Depression. The only cure is the expression.

If you have depression, you may think this can not be, I am so tired of feeling, feeling low, sad, tired, hopeless, helpless. empty, despair, like there is no point, like suffering, tired, exhausted, without a will, just can’t, hurt, afraid. I have been there, in this case, it is pressure.

Chances are you live your life around selfish people who have never truly listened and really listened to your feelings. Someone who won’t blame, shame, compare, freak out and yell at you, make excuses, guilt trip you, but just listens.

Forex: Someone has hurt your feelings, you tell them you feel hurt, hoping they will truly care and listen with empathy. You are hoping they will feel or say sorry and possibly things will change. This is sadly never the case. Those who hurt us would not have hurt us if they truly cared and if they truly care, they would recognize our pain or apologize when we tell them how we feel.

The best part, however, is we control our feelings sometimes and sometimes we don’t. If you are depressed chances are you are ruminating, meaning you can not let go of feelings. When you know you have tried everything and you are on repeat, this is not your fault, there is nothing wrong with you. It is called, Ruminating. When you are ruminating, you are not in control of your feelings, once you know this is not your fault you will feel better. You never made yourself ruminate, there is a lot of information about ruminating and obsessing on the internet and with the knowledge we have the ability to get through anything.

As for validation and hoping someone will listen, someone can and always will. This is our left brain and right brain working together. One side speaks, and one side listens. It will seem as though 2 people are having a conversation, but it is all you. If your brain fragments or splits, this too is normal, we have several different sides to us, no one acts the same, every day,  in all situations. If you want more energy, you can not let anyone affect you to the degree that you do not feel safe to express your feelings. It is up to you to tell people your feelings matter, not up to them know. Most people are not yet aware that Empaths, highly sensitive, Introverts have feelings and are actually strong for accepting our feelings because we all have them. In all honesty,

Have you ever met the really nice guy that is so obviously angry inside? It is pretty scary and looks really fake, or the woman who is always angry telling everyone they are the ones that are too sensitive. She is sensitive, anger is a feeling. Explosive anger and reacting is also a sensitive trait.

Authenticity comes from owning our feelings and loving ourselves even our shadow.

I know anyone can do it,  a few years ago, I had no idea, how to feel my feelings. I needed to free myself from the guilt which I found out is actually not a natural emotion but is man-made. Another blog post however After releasing tears, anger, shame etc. I have increased my empathy as well now have an EQ of 142 Emotional Intelligent’s

We all have intuition, gut feelings, empathy and other Psychic gifts available, but first, it takes us being willing to feel our feelings and becoming attuned.

Last but not least please know that controlling people lack self-control, therefore, try to control others.

Often times blame is a shame.

Whatever we resist persists, and if it doesn’t work, try the opposite.

Love always,

Amanda Ouellet aka Anda Lightworker.

el. 5

We are all sensitive.

Everyone is sensitive to different degrees.

If someone had no sensitivity, they would not care about anything.

Over the past thousand years, sensitivity has acquired a bad name because back in the day it was taught boys don’t cry, stuff your feelings, spare the rod spoil the child, don’t be a crybaby etc. People today are still no better expecting everyone is happy 24/7 for ex, don’t worry be happy, keep calm and chive on and of course stay positive.

It is okay to not feel okay.

Deep repressed emotion is depression

Expression leads to relief from releasing our feelings rather than distracting from them.

Have you ever heard someone who gets angry all the time say “Stop being so sensitive.” Lol, they are majorly projecting because they are the sensitive ones. When we allow ourselves to feel our feelings we gain energy.

Energy in motion is Emotion.

We allow ourselves to be yourself.

Have you ever met the really nice person who is obviously ready to explode because she’ trying to hold her anger in?

Emotionally intelligent people don’t react, they respond because they feel their feelings rather than bottle them up or abandon them.

Whatever we resist persists, the best way to get rid of Anxiety are to accept it.

We were born with thoughts and feelings, we can deny them however we remain stuck in the illusion which is not living our true life.

And also if you have ever.